Dear Husband-to-be

 Dearest husband to be,

"1 week to go"

I have changed From someone who didn't believe in weddings to someone who is waiting to live her fairy

tale. I know I have tested your patience, not once, not twice, but many many times. Right from the very

first few days when I said that 'I need some time to be sure' , 'few months before I can say yes to my

parents', " couple of months" to get comfortable. I dont think anyone else would put up with me the way

you do. You make me feel special. You prioritise my happiness over yours.And sometimes I wonder how

lucky I am to find somone like you. Well, ' You found me" .

Vi...Thank you for putting up with my mood swings , my phobias, my insecurities and my tantrums. I

know it seems easy handling me, but its not :D. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. You

are my favourite person. My go-to person. You are the best listener I could ever ask for. I love you to the

moon and back.

I love you. I love holding your hands, hugging you tight ,kissing your lips, and cuddling to sleep. I find

comfort in you. I find comfort in your words, in your touch and in your warmth. I couldn't have asked for

better.

Sometimes I look back at our beautiful journey. Your first text ( Hi Dr.Ashwathi), long phone calls ( I ll be

your forever sleep parasite) , Our perfect first date ( Stranger), trips we took together, our little

adventures, not to forget our "kijji kijji" days. I fell for you, your openness , your honesty and everything

that you are. I know its just the beginning , beginning of something beautiful and sweet. You make me

smile in my hardest days. You make me feel special. I am the luckiest girl in the whole world. Words fall

short and I cant explain how much you mean to me.

We ll be married in a week. It was once my biggest fear. I know the efforts you've taken to make me get

over my " wedding phobia". From litstening to my Durandam stories from day 1, to addressing my

insecurities, my fears and my doubts, you've done a great job! My friends still wonder how I changed

from someone who didn't want a wedding to a happy bride-to-be! There's only one reason- YOU!

I promise to be by your side in your happiness and sorrows. I promise to make efforts from my side to

make our relation beautiful. I love you.

I love you

To infinity and beyond.

Chuchu

( Wrote this one week before our wedding, now its been 4 months since , I couldnt have asked for better

) 

Entering last phase of 3 years of Post graduation!

 I joined Lourdes on 29 th May 2019. Just a few more months left before I leave my department

and hospital. And then, Pop! Out into the real world.  There is a sense of peace

and calmness I experience while i work here, while I study here. There is a momentum that I

donot want to loose. A sense of security. A space to open up. A space to discuss. Few relations

that I made from here and life lessons that I learned. There is a weird feel I get when I think of

how life is going to be once I leave this place. I am so used to this routine -Waking up at 8,

punching before 8:30, rounds, discussions, classes, duties, department, and back to nightingale

hostel, few movies, eatouts and short trips. There was a sense of freedom I enjoyed in Kochi.

Life is never going to be the same again. Its a safe place, a closed space. Seniors used to tell us

that we grow close to department and madam as year passes by, and I get it now. A lot has

changed after I joined here, may be thats why post graduation period is crucial, about how it

shapes and moulds each one of us. Madam is not the kind of Head of the Departments I ve met

before, or will ever meet. She is more like a mentor. She is cosntantly worried about us,

motivates us, and guides us. She is proud of every student , and the littl

e achievements they

make in life. I hope i can make her proud someday.

(written on 31st Jan 2022)

New girl in the City!

 

I moved to Chandigarh on 17 th June, 2022.

I have been here for a couple of times before, first one before meeting V and a few times after meeting him. The City Beautiful. I remember someone telling me that this is one of the best places to li

ve in India. Well, I ll find out about that.

I ve only lived in places from where  I could get into an over night bus or train to go home. So, this, settling to a new city is different for me. Also I ve only been to places where I could meet and talk to many. I ve enjoyed my 5.5 yrs in TMC and my 3 years in Lourdes. And it was all because of my friends and colleagues. I am not sure whether I would be able to find a bunch here.

V is here. Other than him, I know our house owners, very sweet and kind, making me feel home.

I told V that I wanted to learn something new , and more importantly I wanted to talk to people, so I would join some classes. We went, I joined Acrylic painting class, but it turned out that I am the only student in my time slot, and it’s a one- to- one class, 1 hr everyday and it’s a pretty serious one. I even get to do homeworks.

This city is different. Or may be I feel its different from where I ve lived all these years. Different from kerala. I ve lived only in hostels- alone or with room mates, I should say, I enjoyed both. Here I m living in a rented house, with V. We stay on the top floor in a 3 storyed building. It’s a residential area. Quiet, and serene.

I am at present waiting for my results, I have plenty of free time, Why don’t I write down whats In my mind. I can capture photos, I ve plenty of them. But do they capture whats on my mind? Do I , after many years really remember or know what I was feeling when I shifted here.

When I was in school, at one point, I wanted to be pilot, another time a writer, then an astronaut , a doctor and what not. Well, you cant be many things at once, but whatever you are, you can still write. And read. I forgot the last time I read a book in fiction.

My new friend! Crazy , cute and naughty!

Water colour, one after a long time!

Fracture

In may 2017, after my final exams , we decided to chill! My parents were strict, they were sure to not let me go for that long girls trip, so I suggested one bike trip. Apparently I fell during our return. I sustained a fracture femur. #SOF , to be precise. I was taken to my own hospital, emergency OT, fixed the fracture. First 4 months of 2017 was me studying for final exams. And next 3 months was me lying in bed. It didn't feel Good. I think that's the worst time I ever had. Then I joined internship. But I had a limp. I wasn't quite sure whether this would go away or not, but I really prayed. So after another 3 months I could walk like normal. 2017 wasn't much of a Good year to me. I passed my exam, that was the only good thing. So , I had one nail in my leg, I decided to get rid of it. This time, it was pretty fine. Oh ,I can go on writing about it, but I don't want to, still I want it to be written here, In my blog. This picture is my legs when i got to step my foot outside home after very long time!

I'm back!

So, no one missed me! Because hardly anyone reads anything these days . My language didn't improve either. So it's the same old me. Why do I write something here? Because no one reads. Because I want to write. And Facebook, lot many people read, I don't think mine is too good for that. It's peaceful here. So, here. I haven't changed much over these time. Last month I met sai meera, my friend from school, she and her parents said I still look the same like when they saw me in school, so. Perspectives haven't changed much either. I will now be posting photos that I took, ( yes,I have an Instagram account), my thoughts, memories and what not! This is like an open diary. So its welcome back to myself! As this is my first post after a while I would better add a photo , Which probably will not have any relation with this post, that's a welcome back post to me! :D Hoping to be here for long!

Neyyamma ❤

Dear Neyyamma,

Even now I don't know why I call you neyyamma,  because ettan called you so,  I called you the same,  and then hari,  ammu,  aishu,  kunju, everyone called you neyyamma. The reason is still unknown. You were the one who took care of me right from when I was born. We waited for auto together,  u,  me, ettan, you would hold our bag,  our lunch kit,  2 umbrellas and wait for auto.  You would wait near our gate for us to return, and serve us hot tea and snacks.  I never liked tea made by my amma,  but I would drink yours. 12 years, the routine remained the same. The days I fall sick,  my parents would leave me with you.  You were our doctor,  our caretaker.  You always cleaned my wounds,  I used to call all the bad words at you,  that I knew at that age. On my study holidays, you would come home every two hours just to check whether I was ok,  u were the one to wake me up,  you were the one to switch off the TV,  you would always ask me to come with you, and study from your home,  in your room,  I never came. You were worried every minute I was late to reach home. You never called me in phone,  but you wait in verandah,  looking at every bus that passes by.  You saved mangoes,  so that it would ripe by the time I come home for vacation, u saved guavas,  Jack fruit and what not.  You always wanted me to have long hair,  but I always cut it short.  I always hoped I would be the one to normalise your high sugar and bp. You were always with me,  even when I came with Brocken bone,  you scolded,  but you took care of me,  more than anyone else. When I told you about graduation,  you were the one who told me that I will still not come back and stay at home,  so what difference does that make to you. Because you wanted everyone,  everyone to stay home,  stay together. Last month,  after my graduation,  I came running with my certificate and medal, and you hardly recognised me. One moment,  one moment I wished you would say something.  I realised you have turned weak over past few months.  As I see you in ICU, struggling,  I wish you doctor achu could help,  and do miracles like the one in your stories!

Dear Neyyamma,
I miss you terribly. The first one I come to whenever I come home was you. You would keep looking at each bus that passes by. And your first question was always whether I had any food. I miss your querries. You aren't here to wake me up in my long 4 hr post journey sleep. I miss shouting at you. That extra spoon of rice and Sambar you serve with love. That pure curd especially made for me. You never asked about studies, you only asked about food and whether I had taken bath. I miss reading and translating to you wedding invitations printed in English. Though I don't like getting married, I had decided to get a Malayalam wedding card of mine printed for you. I miss arguing with you for keeping short hair, for wearing dress of my choice, for sleeping till midnoon when mom and dad leave for work, and for wasting that Extra spoon of rice. I miss you. I miss you terribly. I don't know how to live here without you. I planned to stay home for a week, but I better leave tomorrow. I love you! I love you!

Can I be more stupid?

#canibemorestupid There was drizzle in morning.  I went for class.  Physiology from 9. Tea break at 11.  That was when we decided to go for telma's betrothal.  But I made plans to go home even before. Class got extended till 2. So, Netravati express was the only choice left and it was scheduled at 4 40 from shornur. There was more and enough time. You get to choose between go to shornur,  eat some snacks from station and go home,  or attend betrothal,  have delicious food and go home,  I would definitely go for second! The dress wasn't much appealing as one to be worn for a wedding, I still decided to go for it.  Free ride to church.  Beautiful bride-to-be, delicious lunch,  hot chocolate, and the train delay of 30 Mts. Everything was perfect. Took an auto to thrissur railway station. Bought ticket.  There was still quite time left.  I connected to railway WiFi. Started browsing. Madgaon express- Nop,  there's no stop in kanhangad. They Announced Netravati arrival . This train came,  one to Mumbai, there was much needed side seat. I clicked a picture.  Weather was perfect.  Train departed.  TT came to check the tickets. I had a sleeper ticket till payyannur .  He looked at at the ticket and looked at me twice and said that the train won't be going to payyannur, asked me to get down at wadakancheri ! That was when I realised I got into the wrong train.  I told him I ll get down at shornur.  But train wasn't going to shornur either. I got down at wadakancheri,  took the next bus to shornur. On my way, I could see my Netravati running parallel to my bus. My ksrtc wasn't bad either. Chased it. Got down at shornur station,  I already had the ticket,  straight to platform no 6 and waited for Netravati again! #didntmissitsecondtime😎
PS- I have been travelling from thrissur to home for around 6 yrs!

aysha♥

 (the whole post is not actually mine! i owe this to a fb friend,and this is a surprise for him)

Bach home after last show of vineeth srinivasan movie tattatin marayath. Twice i returned home coz i couldn't grab my tickets. This was the third time, i didn't wanna miss it this time, so i left my room at 6 in the evening. It was a much awaited movie. Akash was with me, my friend since my college days, busy texting. For a while i kept staring at him, and i never noticed his expressions before. For each text he recieved he had a diiferent smile, this guy would rock if casted for a movie!!! awesome expressions!!

It was 12:30, and..i didnt sleep yet!!!  Lying in this cozy bed i am thinking of what happened before the movie! Akash asked me twice what was wrong with me. I myself didn't know what the hell was happening to me. Guy who falls asleep before 10 is stilll awake, i was pretty much nocturnal in my college days, now things have changed, so I have changed..morning shifts in work changed me, i remembered how I hated waking up early in my school and college days. So, right now, I am thinking of what has happened to me. I was pretty normal before the movie. So, lemme remember something about the movie, vinod and aysha rocked! I knew what was happening, I was drawn into her thoughts, my ummachikutty, my aysha!

My plus 2 days were the best days of my life, meeting her made those days beautiful! I don't know the day and date i fell for her. I didn't know why she gifted my tight sleep so many beautiful dreams. May be after she came in my group for chemistry practicals (or was that i who luckily came in the same group as her's). I always went wrong in calculations in titrations. For the first time, someone else did it for me (willingly)
 and, for the first time i saw something in my record book worth reading! my handwriting is a mess, my friends wanted me to be a doctor!!! chemistry teacher smiled for the 1st time when she signed my records! i wondered how many times aysha would have received such smiles. I hardly knew until then that my chemistry teacher knew how to smile :)

So, i should say, she had a pretty good handwriting.Nah, it was not merely the handwriting that was pretty, she was pretty! and the smile she always wore made her beautiful. She was a chatter box, she rarely spoke, but she talked to Mr.freak siddharth raghunath (don't worry, thats me ;)) atleast during chemistry practicals which came twice a week, tuesday and friday afternoons. Those chemistry practicals gifted me the best hours of life.I felt a missing heartbeat whenever i talked to her. I couldn't help myself staring at her, though i tried no to.

Those were the best days of my life. But, Mr.Fate always plays prank on me. And this time it came as the game truth or dare. That was one among the most popular games we played during free hours. I always loved to choose dare and i loved it when my friends sing "jhony jhony ,yes papa.." , imitate teachers, dance on the table top..and what not! As usual, I went for dare, but my friends insisted me to choose truth. I loved a change. I don't remember who, but someone asked me to tell the name of my crush. I smiled , and shuddered my shoulders to say a no. " hey, it won't be made public yaar.. it will remain as a secret, thats what the rules of the game says.. so please. And we aren't fools to believe that sidd doesn't have a crush. Your face make it clear!" Gosh! Does the name sidd mean that you have a crush!
Its aysha, said I. I could feel a lump in my heart when I said the name.

No secret in the world remain as secret if opened to 5 classmates (this is the theory i formulated then!!) . Aysha came to know about this. She stopped speaking, she stopped smiling, she tried hiding her eyes,.. Chemistry practicals couldn't solve this.I couldn't utter a word for the next five months , to the girl whom i wanted to speak the most. In those 5 months came model exams, practical exams and our final exams.After a  month of autographs and promises of ever brimming promises, came the last day of exams.. it was Biology.

Aysha was seated two benches ahead of mine. At a moment I felt it was better to keep looking at her than writing the exam. I knew that life won't be the same again. I didn't know what her ambition was. (i didn't have an ambition myself) I didn't even know whether she preferred studying further (most of the muslim girls didn't). Biology exam was always a team work. I compleated exam as fast a as i could. I wished i could keep staring at her...my whole life! Life never move as we wish and i heard the bell.

We were out of the exam room. Everyone was busy talking about the results , admissions, career and obviously their vacation plans... My eyes kept searching for aysha, who was nowhere to be seen. She left without a word, may be she didn't wanna bid a goodbye even!  We( me and friends) kept roaming..commenting on the artworks on desks, how we improved drawing skills in boaring hours, we were pretty sure that we would miss our school days.. the fun , laughter, promises, tears, hugs ..and what not!

Then came a girl, running towards us, trying to figure out me, from the gang! And that was.......................not my aysha :(, but the girl with whom she spent most of her time, the only girl in the class, she called with a pet name, shree.. ( in 2 yrs time, i gathered as much information as i could, about aysha, my personal research, this is one among my findings! ) I donno whether her name is sreelekshmi, sridevi or whatever.. but she was aysha's best buddy, shree! 'where were u?i had been running in the whole school campus to find you, aysha is waiting, in our classroom, i gotta go home now, its getting late, bye, and best wishes'

aysha is waiting..aysha is waiting.. aysha is waiting... those were golden words.. i kept repeating it, till i reached my classroom. The whole school was deserted, except few of my classmates near the tea stall, rest left for the matinee.. my heart beats reached maximum as i neared my classroom. There i saw aysha, sitting in the second last bench, her heads down. I went near , I sat beside her, gained enough confidence to look into her eyes, only to notice that she was crying. I never had experience consoling someone. My mind went blank for a moment, and then, i holded her hands. I wanted to wipe tears off her face, i couldn't. No sardarji jokes came to my mind then ( I know that its not the time for jokes, but i used to gift my sizzy laughing tears after the India-pak war we usually have at home)

Silence followed the tears. I don't know how long i stayed, without uttering a word( very rare in my life history). I desperately tried searching for words, to find a topic to speak on, i couldn't.. "siddh, i love you" ,she was the one who broke the silence. Best moment of my life, that proved that i am worth something. I wanted to tell her how deadly i wished she was mine.. how deadly i waited for this moment, and so many dialogues i framed each night. All i could say was.. 'but..'. Me, Siddharth Raghunath, turned practical for a moment,( happened only once in my lifetime)  I tried to say no to what my heart said, and went after my brain.

"I know that its not possible..., i don't want you to say an yes, i just wanted to say what i felt for you, i never wanted to fall in love with anyone, it just happened, it just happened.. i have no control over my emotions, i didn't want it talk to you anymore, i was sure that we can't be 'just friends'.. i tried to stay away from you, for the past five months, thanks for being so kind, thanks for coming to me now, thanks for those wonderful moments in chemistry lab, and my whole plus two life... i don't want an answer, your answer is not gonna change what is to come, it isn't gonna change my fate..bye" said she.

We walked together, till the school gate, she turned left, and me, to right. If i stayed with her for a few more moments, i would've opened my heart, and as she said..'it won't do anything good..' i didn't turn back..to look at her one more time!

I checked my phone.Its 3 in the morning,have to get up at 6. 1 text message. It was from Akash

"superb film ryt? will watch again.
tomorrow. evening show

gud nyt"

I pulled my bed sheet to cover my face, all i wanted then, was a tight sleep................

1 st MISTAKE OF MY LIFE

(Read '3 mistakes of my life' two days back! )

i never listened to my parents, always argued for whatever i felt was right...

i was asked not to apply for navodaya entrance exam, i did...
i was asked not to prepare for it, i studied...
i was asked not to write the exam, i wrote..
i was asked not to join the school, i did...............and that was the 1st mistake of my life....


my first day in navodaya, aravali dormetry... our seniors wanted us to stay happy, so they arranged a freshers party, a small one, with dance and songs.. we pretended to be happy .. damn it! i was feeling home sick! i wanted to lie down, i saved my tears for bed time. and i guess all the freshers were feeling the same...

we were nodding at whatever seniors said, we were laughing for their so-called comedies..
and we heard knock at the door... none of us cared to open the door... knock at the door grew more intense..

who the hell is this?? someone got fed up with the knock and open the door.. everyone got stuck ! our mouth wide open! it was rosy mam, our wise principal, everyone feared her to death! everyone turned silent for a moment.. she came forward, grabbed a hanger from the stand, and started beating everyone's leg.. freshers were not punished, but we couldn't help our seniors getting punished, i didn't have courage even to close my eyes.. she left the dome leaving everyone in tears.. i went to bed, that was the worst night a 11 year old could have.. i thought of my home,achan, amma, ettan.. i didn't know why the picture of everyone i loved came to my mind at the moment... i tried desperately to sleep, i couldn't........

i was never able to adjust with that life style.. i didn't know to tie my hair, i didn't know how to tie my shoe lays,i didn't know to wash my clothes ( i don't know that even now) , i didn't know to eat without wasting....
so, it was a hell...


and..for forgetting an umbrella, i was made to sit up 50 times.. i couldn't walk the next day..i couldn't climb up the steps, i couldn't move my legs...
i burst into tears when my parents came for a visit...
and...i got a tc....:).. one of the happiest moment in my life...

i came back to chinmaya.. my class welcomed me with claps! our class teacher , nishanth sir knew me well.. he didn't even strike my name from attendance list, though i was not in school for more than a month, he knew well that i would come back!! :)

MY 2nd HEART

( dialogues are probable ones.. i dont remember everything..it was long back..)

As i told i am lazy.. i always woke up late.. my achan always scolded for getting up late, still no improvement!!!!

it was long back...i guess i was in 2nd standard.. a school day.. as usual i woke up at 7:30, brushed my teeth, was about to oil my hair.. a day dreamer i am. i was staring at something, i touched my finger tip, for a second i got stuck..i could feel hear beat! what??? whats happening to me??? 

i knew well enough that i could feel pulse in my wrist, but i never knew that i could feel it in finger tip..


so, how could i feel heart beat in my finger tip?? as i told, i was about to oil my hair.. i was standing still.. amma was busy cooking, but i wanted to know whether i she could feel the same.. i went and grasped her hand.
"achuuu...... what were you doing? don't wanna go school?? your auto mama will come soon. why aren't you getting ready? i need to go? what were you doing? y didn't you take bath yet? "
as usual..questions, questions and questions...

she knew well that i'm never gonna answer these endless questions....

no! i couldn't feel anything in her hand.. so, this was something special...
i locked myself in bathroom..the only private place a 8 year can find....
i kept thinking..


i touched my finger tips again..my hands were shivering this time. oh! i can't feel it..thank god!!
i felt relived.. went to school.. in between the classes i tried touched my finger tips.. ohh..its still there!!

so..what can i do?? i felt it often, but not always.. i'm sure i listened nothing that day.. i was sure something was happening to me..errr something happened to me..

and i came to a solution... i had ANOTHER HEART... a small one, a tiny one.. in my finger tip.. it was special..god gifted it only to me.. so i was special....

i wanted to do something..what if i tell this to amma?? oh no..she may feel this is a defect..physics teachers never understand the value of another heart.. she will take me to doctor..damn! i'm afraid of needles, he'll get my finger operated . i'll need to stay at hospital , i will miss my classes (i dont know why i cared a lot about my classes those days) no,no,no..am not going to tell this to amma..

so..i would tell this to anu, my best friend..oh no..no way!! her dad knows my achan..he'll tell this to my achan..i didn't want that to happen..

this is a blessing! i never wanna bother about a heart attack! if i wish, i can donate this to someone who is in need..and i'll be a star! my name would get printed in books! people will ask about me in G.K quizes..


so..i'm gonna operate this myself.. i'll be a doctor, then i'll do this myself.. A DOCTOR FINDS A HEART IN HIS FINGER TIP.. this will be the heading of leading news papers.. i'll be famous..i'll get nobel prize.. and i'lll......

 oh! i was always good at dreaming....................:)

years passed..and once i realized that it was only my pulse that i felt..i felt like.. what for am living??
i always dreamt of operating my hand.. and now, i can;t....

MYSELF

I'm ashwathi....this is my first post....i guess i should start with a post about myself.. i know its a difficult start, but u need to get to know me...

i would call myself an ordinary girl from a middle class family.. am the youngest in my family..

i know well that am lazy, but its difficult to change me.. i like what i am..i know what i am..
so I'm lazy and i love sleeping, i love dreaming.. (both day and night)..
Am a silent girl, i don't talk a lot..i am good listener.. i don't know whether i am good at solving problems, i listen to it!

and.. as this post make it clear..am not good in organizing things..i don't know what 2 say first and what to say last.. i just keep telling whatever i feel in mind..

then..i always loved to be a boy..a path to freedom...

well ..that's all that come to my mind ..

im not a good writer, am not a poet, am not a photographer..
i hav a few thoughts which i would like to share..
thats all about me :)