Thursday, 26 July 2012


 (the whole post is not actually mine! i owe this to a fb friend,and this is a surprise for him)

Bach home after last show of vineeth srinivasan movie tattatin marayath. Twice i returned home coz i couldn't grab my tickets. This was the third time, i didn't wanna miss it this time, so i left my room at 6 in the evening. It was a much awaited movie. Akash was with me, my friend since my college days, busy texting. For a while i kept staring at him, and i never noticed his expressions before. For each text he recieved he had a diiferent smile, this guy would rock if casted for a movie!!! awesome expressions!!

It was 12:30, and..i didnt sleep yet!!!  Lying in this cozy bed i am thinking of what happened before the movie! Akash asked me twice what was wrong with me. I myself didn't know what the hell was happening to me. Guy who falls asleep before 10 is stilll awake, i was pretty much nocturnal in my college days, now things have changed, so I have changed..morning shifts in work changed me, i remembered how I hated waking up early in my school and college days. So, right now, I am thinking of what has happened to me. I was pretty normal before the movie. So, lemme remember something about the movie, vinod and aysha rocked! I knew what was happening, I was drawn into her thoughts, my ummachikutty, my aysha!

My plus 2 days were the best days of my life, meeting her made those days beautiful! I don't know the day and date i fell for her. I didn't know why she gifted my tight sleep so many beautiful dreams. May be after she came in my group for chemistry practicals (or was that i who luckily came in the same group as her's). I always went wrong in calculations in titrations. For the first time, someone else did it for me (willingly)
 and, for the first time i saw something in my record book worth reading! my handwriting is a mess, my friends wanted me to be a doctor!!! chemistry teacher smiled for the 1st time when she signed my records! i wondered how many times aysha would have received such smiles. I hardly knew until then that my chemistry teacher knew how to smile :)

So, i should say, she had a pretty good handwriting.Nah, it was not merely the handwriting that was pretty, she was pretty! and the smile she always wore made her beautiful. She was a chatter box, she rarely spoke, but she talked to Mr.freak siddharth raghunath (don't worry, thats me ;)) atleast during chemistry practicals which came twice a week, tuesday and friday afternoons. Those chemistry practicals gifted me the best hours of life.I felt a missing heartbeat whenever i talked to her. I couldn't help myself staring at her, though i tried no to.

Those were the best days of my life. But, Mr.Fate always plays prank on me. And this time it came as the game truth or dare. That was one among the most popular games we played during free hours. I always loved to choose dare and i loved it when my friends sing "jhony jhony ,yes papa.." , imitate teachers, dance on the table top..and what not! As usual, I went for dare, but my friends insisted me to choose truth. I loved a change. I don't remember who, but someone asked me to tell the name of my crush. I smiled , and shuddered my shoulders to say a no. " hey, it won't be made public yaar.. it will remain as a secret, thats what the rules of the game says.. so please. And we aren't fools to believe that sidd doesn't have a crush. Your face make it clear!" Gosh! Does the name sidd mean that you have a crush!
Its aysha, said I. I could feel a lump in my heart when I said the name.

No secret in the world remain as secret if opened to 5 classmates (this is the theory i formulated then!!) . Aysha came to know about this. She stopped speaking, she stopped smiling, she tried hiding her eyes,.. Chemistry practicals couldn't solve this.I couldn't utter a word for the next five months , to the girl whom i wanted to speak the most. In those 5 months came model exams, practical exams and our final exams.After a  month of autographs and promises of ever brimming promises, came the last day of exams.. it was Biology.

Aysha was seated two benches ahead of mine. At a moment I felt it was better to keep looking at her than writing the exam. I knew that life won't be the same again. I didn't know what her ambition was. (i didn't have an ambition myself) I didn't even know whether she preferred studying further (most of the muslim girls didn't). Biology exam was always a team work. I compleated exam as fast a as i could. I wished i could keep staring at whole life! Life never move as we wish and i heard the bell.

We were out of the exam room. Everyone was busy talking about the results , admissions, career and obviously their vacation plans... My eyes kept searching for aysha, who was nowhere to be seen. She left without a word, may be she didn't wanna bid a goodbye even!  We( me and friends) kept roaming..commenting on the artworks on desks, how we improved drawing skills in boaring hours, we were pretty sure that we would miss our school days.. the fun , laughter, promises, tears, hugs ..and what not!

Then came a girl, running towards us, trying to figure out me, from the gang! And that was.......................not my aysha :(, but the girl with whom she spent most of her time, the only girl in the class, she called with a pet name, shree.. ( in 2 yrs time, i gathered as much information as i could, about aysha, my personal research, this is one among my findings! ) I donno whether her name is sreelekshmi, sridevi or whatever.. but she was aysha's best buddy, shree! 'where were u?i had been running in the whole school campus to find you, aysha is waiting, in our classroom, i gotta go home now, its getting late, bye, and best wishes'

aysha is waiting..aysha is waiting.. aysha is waiting... those were golden words.. i kept repeating it, till i reached my classroom. The whole school was deserted, except few of my classmates near the tea stall, rest left for the matinee.. my heart beats reached maximum as i neared my classroom. There i saw aysha, sitting in the second last bench, her heads down. I went near , I sat beside her, gained enough confidence to look into her eyes, only to notice that she was crying. I never had experience consoling someone. My mind went blank for a moment, and then, i holded her hands. I wanted to wipe tears off her face, i couldn't. No sardarji jokes came to my mind then ( I know that its not the time for jokes, but i used to gift my sizzy laughing tears after the India-pak war we usually have at home)

Silence followed the tears. I don't know how long i stayed, without uttering a word( very rare in my life history). I desperately tried searching for words, to find a topic to speak on, i couldn't.. "siddh, i love you" ,she was the one who broke the silence. Best moment of my life, that proved that i am worth something. I wanted to tell her how deadly i wished she was mine.. how deadly i waited for this moment, and so many dialogues i framed each night. All i could say was.. 'but..'. Me, Siddharth Raghunath, turned practical for a moment,( happened only once in my lifetime)  I tried to say no to what my heart said, and went after my brain.

"I know that its not possible..., i don't want you to say an yes, i just wanted to say what i felt for you, i never wanted to fall in love with anyone, it just happened, it just happened.. i have no control over my emotions, i didn't want it talk to you anymore, i was sure that we can't be 'just friends'.. i tried to stay away from you, for the past five months, thanks for being so kind, thanks for coming to me now, thanks for those wonderful moments in chemistry lab, and my whole plus two life... i don't want an answer, your answer is not gonna change what is to come, it isn't gonna change my fate..bye" said she.

We walked together, till the school gate, she turned left, and me, to right. If i stayed with her for a few more moments, i would've opened my heart, and as she said..'it won't do anything good..' i didn't turn look at her one more time!

I checked my phone.Its 3 in the morning,have to get up at 6. 1 text message. It was from Akash

"superb film ryt? will watch again.
tomorrow. evening show

gud nyt"

I pulled my bed sheet to cover my face, all i wanted then, was a tight sleep................

Tuesday, 12 June 2012


(Read '3 mistakes of my life' two days back! )

i never listened to my parents, always argued for whatever i felt was right...

i was asked not to apply for navodaya entrance exam, i did...
i was asked not to prepare for it, i studied...
i was asked not to write the exam, i wrote..
i was asked not to join the school, i did...............and that was the 1st mistake of my life....

my first day in navodaya, aravali dormetry... our seniors wanted us to stay happy, so they arranged a freshers party, a small one, with dance and songs.. we pretended to be happy .. damn it! i was feeling home sick! i wanted to lie down, i saved my tears for bed time. and i guess all the freshers were feeling the same...

we were nodding at whatever seniors said, we were laughing for their so-called comedies..
and we heard knock at the door... none of us cared to open the door... knock at the door grew more intense..

who the hell is this?? someone got fed up with the knock and open the door.. everyone got stuck ! our mouth wide open! it was rosy mam, our wise principal, everyone feared her to death! everyone turned silent for a moment.. she came forward, grabbed a hanger from the stand, and started beating everyone's leg.. freshers were not punished, but we couldn't help our seniors getting punished, i didn't have courage even to close my eyes.. she left the dome leaving everyone in tears.. i went to bed, that was the worst night a 11 year old could have.. i thought of my home,achan, amma, ettan.. i didn't know why the picture of everyone i loved came to my mind at the moment... i tried desperately to sleep, i couldn't........

i was never able to adjust with that life style.. i didn't know to tie my hair, i didn't know how to tie my shoe lays,i didn't know to wash my clothes ( i don't know that even now) , i didn't know to eat without wasting....
so, it was a hell...

and..for forgetting an umbrella, i was made to sit up 50 times.. i couldn't walk the next day..i couldn't climb up the steps, i couldn't move my legs...
i burst into tears when my parents came for a visit...
and...i got a tc....:).. one of the happiest moment in my life...

i came back to chinmaya.. my class welcomed me with claps! our class teacher , nishanth sir knew me well.. he didn't even strike my name from attendance list, though i was not in school for more than a month, he knew well that i would come back!! :)

Monday, 11 June 2012


( dialogues are probable ones.. i dont remember was long back..)

As i told i am lazy.. i always woke up late.. my achan always scolded for getting up late, still no improvement!!!!

it was long back...i guess i was in 2nd standard.. a school day.. as usual i woke up at 7:30, brushed my teeth, was about to oil my hair.. a day dreamer i am. i was staring at something, i touched my finger tip, for a second i got stuck..i could feel hear beat! what??? whats happening to me??? 

i knew well enough that i could feel pulse in my wrist, but i never knew that i could feel it in finger tip..

so, how could i feel heart beat in my finger tip?? as i told, i was about to oil my hair.. i was standing still.. amma was busy cooking, but i wanted to know whether i she could feel the same.. i went and grasped her hand.
"achuuu...... what were you doing? don't wanna go school?? your auto mama will come soon. why aren't you getting ready? i need to go? what were you doing? y didn't you take bath yet? "
as usual..questions, questions and questions...

she knew well that i'm never gonna answer these endless questions....

no! i couldn't feel anything in her hand.. so, this was something special...
i locked myself in bathroom..the only private place a 8 year can find....
i kept thinking..

i touched my finger tips hands were shivering this time. oh! i can't feel it..thank god!!
i felt relived.. went to school.. in between the classes i tried touched my finger tips.. ohh..its still there!!

so..what can i do?? i felt it often, but not always.. i'm sure i listened nothing that day.. i was sure something was happening to me..errr something happened to me..

and i came to a solution... i had ANOTHER HEART... a small one, a tiny one.. in my finger tip.. it was special..god gifted it only to me.. so i was special....

i wanted to do something..what if i tell this to amma?? oh no..she may feel this is a defect..physics teachers never understand the value of another heart.. she will take me to doctor..damn! i'm afraid of needles, he'll get my finger operated . i'll need to stay at hospital , i will miss my classes (i dont know why i cared a lot about my classes those days) no,no, not going to tell this to amma..

so..i would tell this to anu, my best friend..oh way!! her dad knows my achan..he'll tell this to my achan..i didn't want that to happen..

this is a blessing! i never wanna bother about a heart attack! if i wish, i can donate this to someone who is in need..and i'll be a star! my name would get printed in books! people will ask about me in G.K quizes..

so..i'm gonna operate this myself.. i'll be a doctor, then i'll do this myself.. A DOCTOR FINDS A HEART IN HIS FINGER TIP.. this will be the heading of leading news papers.. i'll be famous..i'll get nobel prize.. and i'lll......

 oh! i was always good at dreaming....................:)

years passed..and once i realized that it was only my pulse that i felt..i felt like.. what for am living??
i always dreamt of operating my hand.. and now, i can;t....


I'm ashwathi....this is my first post....i guess i should start with a post about myself.. i know its a difficult start, but u need to get to know me...

i would call myself an ordinary girl from a middle class family.. am the youngest in my family..

i know well that am lazy, but its difficult to change me.. i like what i am..i know what i am..
so I'm lazy and i love sleeping, i love dreaming.. (both day and night)..
Am a silent girl, i don't talk a lot..i am good listener.. i don't know whether i am good at solving problems, i listen to it!

and.. as this post make it not good in organizing things..i don't know what 2 say first and what to say last.. i just keep telling whatever i feel in mind..

then..i always loved to be a boy..a path to freedom...

well ..that's all that come to my mind ..

im not a good writer, am not a poet, am not a photographer..
i hav a few thoughts which i would like to share..
thats all about me :)